Before I kick off this little mini-review of Thousand Miles Escort, I should probably first make a quick little confession: when it comes to movies like this (martial arts movies made in Hong Kong in the 70's with limited budgets, and poorly dubbed into English) I usually don't try very hard to keep up with the plot. Between hard-to-remember Chinese names, ridiculous dubbing, and the general aversion these movies seem to have towards clear linear storytelling, it's frankly a bit of a lost cause. So if my upcoming brief description of the plot seems lacking, well, that's the reason. I wasn't paying much attention. What I was paying attention to was the swordplay, the weird, inexplicable moments, and (of course) the hilarious dub, which was basically the reason behind Ant's suggestion that I tackle this one.





Probably most people who have seen Thousand Miles Escort (at least the dubbed version) were left somewhat confused by the plot, though, so in this case, at least, I doubt I'm alone in my bewilderment. The film follows the adventures of a wandering swordsman (technically he fights with a cane most of the time, but it's the same principle) whose name I didn't catch (it was mentioned once or twice, but the dub actors butchered it; it never came out the same way twice) as he...well, wanders around China, usually in the company of an annoying, hilariously dubbed little boy whose parents, before being killed, entrusted him with a letter that proves the intention of the evil Prime Minister to side with the invading Tartars against the Emperor. Wandering Swordsman guy takes it upon himself to escort the kid and his letter to a powerful general who will help out, and along the way has to fight a bunch of the Prime Minister's assassins and soldiers, led by an evil General whose kung fu skills are the rough equal of his own.

That's the gist of it, but several other incomprehensible little developments get thrown in there from time to time: Wandering Swordsman meets up with all sorts of people with shady motivations and has boring conversations with them, and there's some other political junk in there too (some occasional arguing between the General and a female kung fu expert who used to work for the Prime Minister). Combine this with a handful of confusing flashbacks and a dub that only rarely approaches coherence, and the whole thing becomes a bit hard to follow.

Actually, "incoherent" is probably too kind a word to use where the dub is concerned. "Bonkers" might be better. The dub actors are pretty lousy, as is usually the case in these sorts of films, but most of the weirdness derives from the (quite often) bizarre dialogue. The first real line in the movie, spoken by Wandering Swordsman after he smacks around a few unsuspecting bandits who try to rob him (it occurs to me a lot wuxia flicks start off this way), is representative: "You're such clunks and you call yourselves robbers!" he declares. "You're about to die so just shut up!" was another winner, but probably the film's strangest bit of dialogue consists of a conversation between Wandering Swordsman and a gate guard whom he bribes to be let out of the city with the boy (this is one of Ant's all-time favorite scenes). "Hold it! Who are you?" the gate guard asks. "I wanna leave," our hero says. "What the hell are you?" the gate guard angrily and inexplicably then asks, out of the clear blue sky. "I'm a man," Wandering Swordsman amusedly answers, "and that's a thing." (At this he indicates his bribe, a single coin). It's so nutty that I'm tempted to surmise that even the writers of the dub had no idea what was going on in the scene, or (like me) just weren't paying attention, and so simply made up some random nonsense. (Right-click here to download and listen to this immortal exchange).





Anyway, apart from the zany dub, there's not a whole to get excited about here. The martial arts scenes and swordfights are actually fairly brief, and don't possess anything close to the sort of manic intensity or inventiveness that typically characterize the genre: Wandering Swordsman guy usually just shoots little edged projectiles out of his cane, which has a tendency to end things anti-climactically, and except for the General, he never comes close to meeting his match throughout the movie (at one point he easily overcomes like forty guys at once). The choreography is also a bit too clean; hardly anyone ever looks as if they're putting any serious effort into their attacks.

But, for the sake of the dub alone, I think I can recommend this one. It's probably best viewed on a lazy Saturday afternoon, though, while you're doing something else, something reasonably productive; you'll likely regret it if you spend any time watching this dull film intently. Fortunately, you don't need your whole brain for Thousand Miles Escort -- just the part that appreciates swordfights and dubbed absurdities.

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