Most of the truly bad movies I've reviewed for this site (I'm thinking Arcade, Wizards of the Lost Kingdom, and Basket Case 2 here) share the same sorts of problems; they're bad because of stupid plots and lousy editing and lackadaisical personnel who simply couldn't be bothered to put any real effort into what they were doing (or who, perhaps more often, simply didn't have the skill required to create anything worthwhile). The Galaxy Invader is a different sort of bad movie: it's a movie that's bad primarily because of dirt-cheap production values, actors who can't act, and general unprofessional filmmaking. It's bad because it's amateurish.

That's not to say that the story isn't awful as well -- it's mostly boilerplate invader-from-space claptrap with shades of E.T., except annoyingly filled to the brim with drunken rednecks -- but the amateurishness of the production is the really crippling aspect. The camera work is dull. The special effects are wretched. The dialogue is utterly empty. The "actors" don't act, but merely recite their given lines. It's terrible stuff.

And, thus, quite amusing, at least if you've got the stomach for this sort of thing.





The film begins at night (actually blue-filtered daylight, but I'm not gonna bust the movie's chops over something that trivial when there's so much more obvious stupidity yet to come). Our ostensible hero, the wimpy, pimply David, is driving along some deserted road when he happens to see a cartoony fireball crash into some trees a few miles away. An alien emerges from the fireball and begins wandering around the forest (we're treated to its POV and some sounds of labored breathing, but not to a good look at the alien itself yet). David doesn't see the creature either, but he suspects the fireball was something interesting, and so calls his old college professor, Dr. Tracy, the next morning. Dr. Tracy, apparently, is into UFO's. He's also into hideous Ron Jeremy-style mustaches. Anyway, Dr. Tracy agrees to come to Harleyville (a five hour drive, he says) to get a look at the presumable meteorite -- I guess he didn't have a whole lot on his agenda that day. The conversation between David and Dr. Tracy, as with all of the film's dialogue, is so badly delivered that it literally makes you cringe.

The alien, meanwhile, has wandered into an inhabited area. A couple eating breakfast in their home hear a noise coming from somewhere offscreen (later revealed to be the basement) and, without a word, head off to investigate, armed with kitchen knives. This seemed about right; I know the first thing I do when I hear a vague mysterious noise in my house is to make a beeline for the cutlery. (Incidentally, more people rush off to investigate mysterious noises in this film than in just about any other film I've ever seen). The couple, of course, encounter the alien in their squalid basement (basements being the first refuge of the stranded wayward alien), and we get our first look at it: basically, it resembles a stocky, green swamp-monster with the warty complexion of Toxie, the Toxic Avenger. Oh, and it's wearing suspenders, and a belt. Virtually no attempt is made to artfully conceal the sad costume with clever lighting, or to keep the audience guessing as to what the beast really looks like. It's all out in the open from the get-go.

The man struggles with the alien and is killed instantly, felled by a superficial cut to the cheek, while the woman is eventually swatted down after trying to (I guess) tackle the thing. Weird synthesized sound effects assail the ears any time anyone touches the creature. Following this, the alien leaves, its grim work done.

The rest of the film's major characters, with the exception of a couple who show up later, are summarily introduced in the next scene. A family is shown having breakfast. Family members include Joe, a wizened hick and patriarch of the clan (who never, ever changes out of his scuzzy white shirt with the giant hole in the chest); JJ, the spineless son; Carol, the scrawny, independent-minded older daughter; and Annie, the younger daughter who might as well not even be in the film. Joe's frumpy, apron-clad wife also appears, but I never caught her name, so the heck with her.





The dialogue here is not merely cringe-worthy but gag-inducing. Carol and Joe bicker about coffee and about Carol's boyfriend Michael, whom Joe does not approve of; this leads to Carol calling Joe a drunk or a bum or something and escaping out into the woods. Joe responds to this outburst by grabbing his shotgun and chasing her, against the weak protests of everyone else at the table. When breakfast banter goes bad, I thought musedly to myself. At this point, Joe's murderous instincts (we eventually learn that this is the fourth time he's chased after Carol with a shotgun) are treated more as an eccentric, somewhat quirky aspect of his character than as something to be seriously dealt with by law enforcement; it isn't until the end of the film, when he starts actually killing people, that his kin begin to grow alarmed.

Carol manages to lose her father, and hook up with her beau Michael (a generic flannel-shirted bozo) at a crusty old shack a few minutes later; meanwhile, Joe stomps angrily through the woods, and hooks up with the alien. The alien is now wearing a gun of some kind in his belt, along with a strange white orb. Murderous redneck policy being quite clear on the subject of what to do when confronted with aliens (or spacemen, as the movie invariably calls them), Joe immediately opens fire. The alien is apparently hit, as the blast causes the orb to drop from its belt, but is not wounded, and runs away. Joe checks out the orb, assisted by his son JJ, who came out into the woods at the behest of his mother to calm Joe down.

"What kinda man was that?" JJ, who caught a glimpse of the creature, asks. "Why, I don't think it was any kinda man at all, JJ! But it don't matter! This thing [the glowing white orb] could be worth a lot of money!" Greedy redneck policy being similarly clear on the subject of what to do with oddball devices left behind by aliens, Joe orders JJ to get a shovel and a wheelbarrow so's they can haul it back to the house and hopefully fence it for some extra booze-money. (Why Joe feels compelled to haul the thing around in a wheelbarrow is not explained, since it's about the size of a softball. What's that you say? Perhaps Joe is worried about touching the thing and catching some kind of deadly space virus? I'm afraid you're giving Joe too much credit; he has no qualms about carrying the orb around bare-handed later in the film).

Michael, hearing about Joe's crazy behavior from Carol, marches off to face him. He talks a good game, but as soon as Joe raises his shotgun, he puts up his hands and admits he's licked. He leaves, while Joe and JJ hide the orb in the garage.

Joe then calls his buddy Frank Custer, who duly shows up with his gal-pal Vickie (who is played as a Southern sexpot, but who is utterly lacking in that sort of appeal) a bit later. Custer is a drunken blowhard in a floppy hat, who always has a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other (when it's not hanging lopsidedly out of his mouth, of course). Custer is awed by the orb, but quickly develops a plan to score even more cash: he's heard about the fireball and he figures the "spaceman" Joe saw might be worth a lot of money itself, if they can capture it alive. (He claims that there are "certain parties" in "town" who might be interested in acquiring the alien before the government does. The assumption is the alien could be sold to a rival government, such as the Soviet Union, which was still extant when the film was made in 1985. How redneck drunk Frank Custer managed to acquire contacts that could put him in touch with the Soviet government is left -- perhaps mercifully -- unexplained).

So. Joe and Frank head to the local redneck bar to rustle up some cannon fodder for the alien -- folks who might be willing to hunt the damn thing to get a cut of the cash. Even though these rednecks seem to have nothing but contempt for Joe and Frank (who grandly and theatrically tells the assembled rednecks about the cash-making opportunity without ever actually telling them that they'll be hunting a bulletproof alien in the dead of night), they are swayed by Frank's sharp redneck logic and blunt appeals to their greed and agree to meet up with them later.

Meanwhile, the alien zaps JJ and takes back the orb. JJ's down for the count, but not out, and receives a scornful lecture from Joe upon his return from the hick bar.





That night, Frank explains the plan to the (now armed) rednecks, and in the process lets them know what exactly it is that they'll be hunting. Some of the rednecks are dubious, but one of them speaks up: "Joe and Frank ain't the most reliable men in town, but even they aren't fool enough to drag us out here in the middle of the night!" This quickly shores up Joe and Frank's support. When subsequently asked for a description of the alien to facilitate its capture, Frank replies, "It don't matter what it looks like! It ain't like us, that's all you needs to know." Great. This should end well.

David and Dr. Tracy, meanwhile, have just arrived at the redneck bar after coming up empty in the search for the meteorite. They hear Vickie blathering on about spacemen and take off for the woods to stop Joe and Frank's gang from injuring it. (David knows absolutely everyone in town, from Carol and Michael to Frank and Vickie. Not bad for a nerdy straight-arrow non-redneck type). They arrive in the woods just in time to see Joe and Frank and all the rednecks whooping and hollering while shooting at the alien, who shoots back with what appears to be a flare gun. Several rednecks go down, but Joe and Frank manage to sneak up behind the alien and "lasso" it (Frank then chokes the alien with a tree branch until it passes out, cause everyone knows aliens are just as susceptible as humans to that mode of attack).

Dr. Tracy is indignant. "But...the alien was shooting back," David says warily. "It must've been provoked!" Dr. Tracy retorts, with an air of professorial authority. Here begins the film's attempt to elicit some sympathy for the alien, despite the fact that the couple in the beginning of the movie didn't exactly do very much to earn their violent deaths in the squalid basement.

Joe and Frank put the creature in Joe's garage, while the remaining rednecks stupidly wonder if they shouldn't go back and bury their comrades' bodies. The next day, desperate to improve interplanetary relations, David and Dr. Tracy sneak into the garage to free the alien. Even though the alien has killed or attempted to kill nearly every human it has met so far (while nearly every human has attempted to kill it in return), it does not attack them. Joe and Frank appear while they are all still in the garage, so Dr. Tracy is forced to formulate a getaway plan: he tells them all to simply make a break for it. They do, and the trio are chased back into the woods (the alien's gait is quite comical) by the pistol-wielding Frank. Dr. Tracy is shot dead. Before Frank can finish off David as well, the alien intervenes and shoots Frank dead. Then Joe shoots the alien and steals its orb and gun again (he figures he can still sell it to the Russians, though I doubt the Russians would have much use for a flare gun that requires a glowing orb to be in its vicinity to work properly). Ugh.





The rest of the movie follows the machinations of David, Michael, Carol, and pretty much everyone else in Joe's family, to wrest the gun and orb away from him and give it back to the alien (they are sure it will leave if it gets these items back). Joe is thereafter inexplicably treated not as a slow-witted, frail drunk who takes frequent naps, but as a cunningly brilliant tactician who could easily physically overpower anyone who got in his way.

An additional unnecessary aside is included at this point to delight the audience: Vickie, looking for Frank, meets Joe and is nearly raped; annoyed by her rejection of his advances, he shoots and kills her with the alien's flare gun. Wow, thanks, movie! Just what I wanted to see!

Finally, David and Michael and the rest get the gun away from Joe while he's sleeping, and enter the woods to try to give it back to the alien. Joe wakes and follows them with his trusty shotgun; the alien ends up dead, and Joe himself is knocked into a chasm by his own matronly had-it-up-to-here wife. (The dummy thrown into the chasm has to be seen to be believed).

It's really hard to describe just how terrible this movie is by way of writing about it -- it is impossible to convey, in simply recapping the story, how existentially bad the writing and the acting is, and how irritating the rednecks are, and how cheaply done everything is. The Galaxy Invader is an undeniably bad movie (and, truth be told, not even as unintentionally humorous as I've made it out to be here; this sort of schlock is really more depressing than funny). Consider yourself duly warned.

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