Contrary to popular belief, the problem with most Saturday morning cartoon shows that aired during the 80's was not that they lacked sophistication. A show can lack sophistication and still be watchable (LazyTown is a pretty good example of this). Rather, the problem with most of these shows was that they were simply not entertaining. They were boring and stupid and terribly animated, and tended to give off an unforgivable condescending whiff: this crap is just kids stuff, and kids are stupid; they'll watch anything. Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling positively stinks of that attitude. (Sidebar: I remember watching this show as a kid once or twice, and even then I knew that it was idiotic. The shows that really appealed to me were the ones that took themselves seriously, like Dungeons and Dragons and ThunderCats and even He-Man, and I suspect that was true of most kids. Dopey cartoons full of lame pratfalls, recycled plots, and Hanna-Barbera sound effects are virtually never remembered fondly).





Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling is absolutely painful to watch. Modern animated series just put it to shame. And speaking of shame, the various classic WWF (now WWE, of course) wrestlers who starred in the live-action segments that were inserted into this show have a good reason to feel it: these segments are so dated and embarrassing that I actually felt sorry for them at times. Example: In one segment, Andre the Giant approaches a fisherman and tells him he's going about his fishing the wrong way. Andre then demonstrates his own method: he put his meaty hands to his mouth and shouts "I want some fissshh!" in the direction of the lake. A fake rubber fish is then tossed into his hands by someone just off-camera. Ha ha! Andre's so big and intimidating that even fish will hasten to do his bidding! Ha ha! What a great joke! Even Andre (God rest his soul) chuckles a little at the stupidity of it. Roddy Piper, Bobby the Brain, and Gene Okerlund fare little better. (Granted, these scenes do liven up the show, and are often funny merely by virtue of their terrible execution).

What I'm reviewing here today is a set of three episodes (each about ten minutes apiece and interspersed with live-action scenes) released on a single VHS tape that Ant bought for probably about fifty cents out of a bargain bin somewhere (it's an old rental; it has the "be kind, rewind" sticker still on it). It starts with an introduction by Mean Gene Okerlund and the Hulkster himself. Hogan launches into one of his over-the-top rants ("You know something Mean Gene...") and from there starts blathering about the animated episodes featured on the tape. The concluding animated piece, according to Hogan, tells the story of Roddy Piper having to go to Scotland and dress up as a knight, effecting this remark from Mean Gene: "Roddy Piper in a suit of armor? That seems pretty funny to me, Hulk!" I hope you'll forgive me if I disagree, Mr. Okerlund. (Hogan's reply? "Man, you won't believe how funny it is unless you watch today's show!")

The first animated episode is called "A Lesson In Scouting". (But I'm getting ahead of myself! After the live-action opening -- in which hundreds of adoring Hulk-worshippers chant "Hulk! Hulk!" over and over again -- we cut to an inexplicable musical number featuring practically every WWF superstar of the time on a stage singing "Land of a Thousand Dances" (inserting their own custom lyrics, of course): Jimmy Hart (the Mouth of the South himself!), Mr. Fuji, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, Jesse Ventura, the Iron Shiek, Roddy Piper, George "The Animal" Steele, even Vince McMahon. And who's that playing the drums? Why, it's Meat Loaf! What the hell?)

Anyway, yeah, a lesson in scouting. This lousy, predictable little animated tale tells the story of "Dangerous" Donna, the troublemaking niece of the Fabulous Moolah, as she accompanies Wendi Richter, Tito Santana, and the Junkyard Dog on a weekend campout with a bunch of other "Grizzly Scouts". She causes all sorts of trouble for the group, including knocking a hornet's nest into the JYD's tent (oh my God how funny is that!) and scaring them all with a fake UFO. A bear attack eventually sets her straight, to the dismay of the Fabulous Moolah. Blecch. (Tito Santana and the JYD steal the show in this one: Santana refuses to let anyone forget his Mexican heritage by calling everyone "amigo" every five seconds and by telling the scouts to bait their hooks with tacos (oh my God how funny is that!), while the JYD, voiced by the redoubtable James Avery, attempts to wrestle the bear. That said, there wasn't much of a show to steal here).

A live-action interlude follows. In this one, Roddy Piper (blubbering crazily about how "helfy" he is) checks his answering machine and finds a message left by a sultry-sounding woman, who tells him what a fan she is...of Hulk Hogan! Oh, please, stop, my sides are hurting! Anyway, the enraged Piper destroys the answering machine, and we move on to the next animated episode, this one titled "Rock 'n' Zombies". This one is equally awful, but features a slightly deeper storyline: it seems Bobby "The Brain" Heenan has constructed an amusement park called "Rock 'n' Wrestleland" (featuring such attractions as Nikolai Volkoff's Russian Teacups Ride and Hulk Hogan's Eye of the Tiger Jungle Ride) and has offered to name the park after the wrestler whose ride attracts the most customers. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Things heat up when the Fabulous Moolah's House of Horrors is overrun by zombies. Wendi Richter investigates, and learns Bobby the Brain actually built the amusement park over a cemetary, which he wasn't supposed to do, and which angered the dead buried there. Eventually the dead return to their graves and the Brain is chastised. The episode is full of imbecilic gags (Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Shiek are a regular Laurel and Hardy) on which I won't elaborate; they're just too dumb to waste time on (although I will say that one of the "jokes" involves Tito Santana throwing burritos around, as opposed to the tacos we saw him with in the previous episode).





Oh, I forgot to mention another live-action segment, wherein Hogan teaches Gene Okerlund how to tear his shirt off. A shirtless Gene Okerlund! Hilarious! Later, the tuxedoed Mean Gene is knocked into a pool by Bobby the Brain. Man, does it get any funnier than this?

The final animated episode is called "The Duke of Piperton". It's a bit shorter than the others, and doesn't feature any of the "good guy" wrestlers (stupidly, the "bad guy" wrestlers actually refer to Hogan and the rest as the "good guy" wrestlers at one point in the zombies episode). In it, Piper travels with Big John Studd, the Iron Shiek, and Nikolai Volkoff to Scotland, where he must joust a certain Rodney Piper for the title and estates of the recently-deceased "Duke of Piperton". Roddy Piper is knocked off his horse several times, in spite of attempts to cheat (Big John Studd invents, get this, a "magnetic guidance system" for Piper's lance). In the end we learn that Rodney Piper is actually a girl, and Roddy Piper is made a fool of. The laughs just never stop.

Following this is the last live-action segment, again starring Piper. He talks about all his fans with a dubious Mean Gene, then blows a gasket when an aide enters his dressing room with the kind of fans that blow air around. Ha ha...oh, forget it, it's not worth it. Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling was a terrible cartoon even by 80's standards, and I'm sick of writing about it.

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